Empowering the Skills to Succeed at Being the People We Are
It’s a common misunderstanding that empathy is something to be achieved. That’s a worthy goal, but in reality, having empathy isn’t the final outcome, it’s only half of the journey because empathy is an ability that fuels so many of the skills we need to succeed in the many roles we play in life.
When you have empathy, you are able to use it, along with other data points to be better at communication, collaboration, problem-solving, persuasion, ideation, building trust, reaching forgiveness and having compassion. Empathy is only effective when it’s expressed.
Think about the businesspeople you look up to. What is it about them that you admire? Perhaps it’s a former manager or mentor who took the time to listen to you. Or a colleague who made you feel safe and showed you the ropes on a new job. I’m willing to bet empathy played a role in why they have earned your admiration.
So how do you go about building your empathy abilities?
Knowledge is empowering. Let’s start by taking a curious breath.
Before we get into the steps to empathy, we need to limber up and get ready for the journey ahead. Let’s begin by stretching our minds with the four macro actions we need to take.
Self-Awareness / that mindfulness and meta-cognition of what’s happening in our thoughts and our body and where it might be coming from is crucial in the struggle to dismantle judgment and connect with others.
Courage / not the “run into a burning building” courage but small doses of courage you can tap into frequently. Courage to make the choice to engage others and not be afraid to understand someone else’s point of view.
Practice and Patience / this is about progress, not perfection. Learn the 5 Steps to Empathy and be willing to practice them, in the moment. You’ll be challenged by different steps depending on who you are trying to have empathy with and in what context.
Grace / we’re all human. We fail and that’s ok. Recognize when you’ve made a mistake, apologize, and try again. What’s most important is that we try.
Great, limbered up and ready to go? Let’s take that curious breath.
The “curious breath”, introduced to me by Rick Clemons, is what you do just before you respond to someone. During that process of inhaling and exhaling, it gives your brain a moment to decide how you want to respond, rather than just snapping back at someone who might be challenging you in some way.
I learned from John ‘Gucci’ Foley, a former Blue Angels Navy pilot, about the tiny gap that exists between stimulus and response. It’s milliseconds in width but that’s where we need to come in and breathe, expanding the space with a curious breath so that we can make the choice of how we are going to respond.
And that’s when you start to practice the 5 Steps to Empathy.
Let’s tackle the hardest one first...
Build and Apply Empathy at Work in 5 Steps
Step 1: Dismantle Judgment
This is about being judgmental as opposed to making a judgment, which is a valuable skill. If you can’t get beyond your desire to be judgmental, you will have a hard time building empathy. This type of judgment is like a brick wall we can’t see past. We can’t climb over it either. We have to dismantle the judgment in order to see and hear people for who they are.
Judgment is made up of stereotypes, assumptions, and biases often from past experiences. It may be confirmation or projection bias, or even cognitive dissonance. You have to recognize your judgment and break it down so you can move beyond it.
Your Empathy Opportunity
Recognize when you are being judgmental, explore where it is coming from, and dismantle it. A good exercise is to keep a judgment journal. Each day jot down times when you’ve caught yourself being judgmental. What was going on? Who was there? What was your source of judgment? What could you have done or said differently? At the end of the day, reflect on your list and explore any patterns or themes that emerge. Tear up the paper and get rid of it so you start the next day with a clean sheet of paper.
Step 2: Ask Good Questions
There are many good questions to be asked. The best ones tend to be open and exploratory in nature. The goal in Step 2 is to ask a question that encourages a respondent to take you where their story leads, rather than where you want to go.
A common mistake people make is not asking open questions. If a question can be answered with a “yes/no” or short answer, it is not going to elicit the kind of foundational, exploratory information you need to build empathy.
Which of these questions is open and which is closed?
“Do you prefer meetings in person or on video?”
“What do you think of the different ways to hold meetings?”
The second question is open – it allows the respondent to elaborate and share their point of view. Ask good questions to get great answers.
Your empathy opportunity:
The next time you ask a question, make it a good one. Keep it open. Keep it exploratory. Don’t “lead the witness.” Be aware of how you are phrasing your questions. Stop yourself and start over if you find yourself not asking good questions.
Step 3: Actively Listen
Even with your judgment dismantled and primed with good questions, practicing active listening is key. This goes beyond just what you hear. You ‘listen’ with all your senses - reading body language, observing the environment, noticing the smells. All those combine into a holistic form of ‘listening.’ Trust your intuition as well. If you sense something is going on, ask a good question about it!
Of course, don’t forget to listen with your ears too!
Your empathy opportunity:
Try a version of an empathy circle with a colleague or your team. Pair up and listen to the other person answer a question. Then repeat the answer using the same words and tone as the other person. Ask them if you got it right and correct whatever you misstated. Then repeat it again until you do get it right. Switch roles and continue until it becomes second nature.
Step 4: Integrate into Understanding
Now that you’ve cleared the pathway for another person’s expression to reach you, it’s time to make room in your head for someone else’s point of view. A common misconception people have with empathy is that it means you have to give up your own values or beliefs and adopt someone else’s. Nothing could be further from the truth!
Empathy means that you make space and acknowledge that yes, there is another way of doing things, that someone else might have another point of view, different from your own.
Your empathy opportunity:
With a friend or colleague, imagine (or actually do this for a treat) you are going to an ice cream store and only have money for one scoop of one flavor to share. Start asking good questions about each other’s favorite flavors. What makes it a favorite? What does it have in common with yours? How might you collaborate to compromise on a flavor you can both enjoy? And if you share the same favorite flavor, don’t forget to explore cup or cone, sugar or waffle, sprinkles or plain. This exercise can then be extended to many issues that we face, just treat the conversation with curiosity, openness, and respect.
Step 5: Use Solution Imagination
Now that you have acknowledged someone else has a different point of view, you will want to carry forward the idea of being in their shoes. Continue to imagine what that is like if you were them. How would you respond to and solve a problem with their point of view in mind?
One of the simplest ways to communicate your newfound cognitive empathy skill is to say, “I see your point of view.” You can also reiterate a key point or piece of information that you heard. Then you can navigate toward a solution that respects their position but also creates a win for you.
As you get into the habit of starting your sentences with “I see your point of view,” you will notice that it starts to feel disingenuous and awkward to not have their point of view while you speak.
Your empathy opportunity:
Consciously put the phrase “I can see where you are coming from…” or another phrase you are comfortable with, into your regular conversations. See how it changes the way the other person responds and where you can take the conversation.
And then…
You are ready to go! Remember: self-awareness, courage, practice, and grace are your guides as you walk the five steps taking curious breaths along the way.
The 5 Steps to Empathy are shared on all Ignite 360 insights projects and offered in a training program, Empathy Camp, which we often partner with a rousing round of Lifeology™ played with clients and consumers in a 1:1 setting. More empathy information is available here.
